The last time I updated this blog, the sun was shining in my town and the city had not flooded in months, neither had frogs crocked in a while. I was in love, not much. I was in love with the skies but not much! I was in love but not much! Nepal was an unknown country, or is it just me? (I had a rough idea of it never knew it was a country though, thought it was a city in India or Philippines forgive my ignorance). Last time I wrote, the dollar was still struggling against the euro and the pound, the sun got hotter, and the Everest was still the tallest mountain none of that has pretty much changed. At least, not much.
I know it raining outside; It actually is a bit chilly today. I know my city has been known for flooding at flash rains, and hiked fares, since I last wrote Fatuma has spoken endless words and bore more children, Fatuma has uttered more words and unaccounted prayers, since I last spoke, Nepal has suffered anguish and devastation, more coffins have been made, Nepal is a country as I speak that has gotten more intercession that a street urchin. Since I last spoke the dollar is still struggling and the Everest still remains the tallest mountain. And am still in love, much. Am still in love, much more with clouds, much more, am still in love. Seeking answers as I search my heart.
Am not used to this name you use ever since you moved to the city, I would have preferred Nyokabi but I won’t disrespect you. Kabi.
I write with a heavy heart reminiscing of your name and the times we could have shared, the sun basked glory of cheer in the morning, the dull stench of sweat and weariness at dusk that had some comforting happiness. Of that mama mboga who put less soup in my plate cause you were engrossed in gossip of what you wanted in this life for her to hear the cravings of my gut. I know it’s needless to say I have slept hungry the past two days in a row, on less soup and more saline water. But the gut by now is accustomed to it. I hope these tough times never cross your path as I opted to walk this path for two. I pray they never reside near you.
From my last letter; you haven’t replied yet, as a matter of fact you haven’t replied any have you? Maybe I just need to be a little more patient. I hope you saw the way I wrote your name in calligraphy? Did you? You probably neither saw that also, at least I hope you received that last letter I sent. Or perhaps I pray you receive this one if the many never got to you.
Yesterday the moon never shone! As the case for the last three days, and I didn’t sleep either, how else would I have known it didn’t shine the whole night? Same for the day before, and the one preceeding that too. Sleep hasn’t been easy rhymes to recite, and dreams are a comfort am not used to. So these sleepy thoughts of you are what hold me tonight. That you awake from this slumber of ignoring me, and have nightmares that are listening to my seemingly meaningless chants, but most of all that you are at peace.
Back to why I was writing, the clouds have seemingly set camp on my bedroom window, it is all I wake up and go to sleep to. I have detested to a point of falling in love with them and Omosh tells me they serve a purpose. May be if they never hanged around I would have more sunsets to forget the many friend zones you belittled me with. However much I know I have lines that can toa nyoka pangoni, but story for another day!My pastor told me to claim all I saw and wanted, since they wound come to me. For this reason I see you in the morning. I hope my claiming may cause Kefa to leave you. I mean my dreams are valid right? The reason in writing these letters is because I had an overwhelmed heart today, I always have one. But today I wanted to tell you the sounds I have heard in my head. The stories my mind narrates to my brain and share. The stories blogs never speak about and my heart pounds for. The tales that keep me awake at night and keep me dreaming all day. I wish we could have a cup of tea, yes tea… but I guess you are out having tea with another one.
I am a not jealous; I hope that is clear. I have a contrite spirit that teaches me to say no to ungodliness. So I would never lie to you, and in truth am so jealous. Jealous that you have other more important things to do, more important things to fend for yourself, and I gather you are not yet satisfied with the much you have. Remember I told you I’d always pray for you. I still do, and I enjoy praying for you. I hope Kefa is not your ultimate end.
I pray that God may break your feet. Not so that they no longer attract men, but so that His feet would be your crutches and means of getting by. I also prayed for you yesterday that He may chop you hands too, not so much that you don’t hold his arms and feel His abs, but so that His piercing in the arms may be the hands you stretch to others. The day you hang up on me, yes that Sunday before service, during worship I prayed He would break your heart. I think at times it’s wrong but I said this not so that you may never heal or fall in love. But I knew you were running away and I was jealous. The heart is deceitful especially mine.
Forgive me, Ok, I admit I was angry at you then a little, ok a lot then after a week of happy moments that left my heart scarred and my wallet brutally scathed. But I prayed, I prayed I would get over it and that you wouldn’t get over it. I know you want to know why I prayed that He may break your heart. But let me finish my prayers first I’ll let you know.
I prayed that He would blind eyes not to see just me or Kefa but only Him. I prayed He would numb your nerves to feel Him only. I prayed that you would well tears, and cry and weep and mourn. Till the resentment subsided, the pain subdued and peace reigned. I prayed that you would choke you not to death, but enough to scare you that death was near to make you realize how filled by these little gatherings you had become that you would welcome Him. I know these prayers beg you to ask whether I was any sweet at all, but Kabi, my dear I meant well, I still know I mean well. My love for you is true, perhaps it’s a dream but to me it’s legit. And in this day and age what I have and what am offering doesn’t come easy. Not like these micro micro things society has taught you.
Please, may you never get so consumed with the highs that you forget the cross, may you never be too indulged in our lows that you see less of the Saviour! May you never be in a hurry to stop and say I love you! Not to me but to all that need to hear they belong and are loved. Kabi, never arrive, never feel any comfort to think you got to your end, however close you may feel and approach it. I got the news that we will live forever whether we want to or not, the question was whether we’d end up holy or whether we’d end up hot. I don’t want to end up sweaty. My strained finances would not accommodate deodorant with much ease and welcoming. So I keep praying.
You had been too patient with me, and part of this is why I kept pray that he keeps breaking your heart. I prayed this before and still do. I know you are wondering and saying WTF WTH and all censored words the world shortened. I pray this each dusk each dawn. So that you may never be full of what He gives you. I pray this so that you may never feel content with all you are and all He has granted you. As I prayed this I hoped it would happen quickly and I would fall in love with you again… truth is I never for a single day fell out of love with you… I always loved you, and always will. But till then I pray
I pray that you may never find peace apart from Him, I pray that you may never find joy apart from Him, I pray that he may break your heart, I pray that He may break mine too, I pray that he may chop my hands as yours, I pray that he may blind my eyes like yours I pray that he may numb my nerves like yours I pray… I pray that he may do all this to make us like Himself and nothing less. Kabi, my love, I pray that you may see this, I pray that your heart may rejoice in these words, I pray that these prayers are not in vain. I pray that at least this letter reaches you at the least.
I pray also that our hands wouldn’t have to be pierced like His to do what He wants of us, that our side wouldn’t have to be pierced like His to pour out much love like He did, I pray that our heads would not have to be thorned to bleed for others, and our bodies wouldn’t have to die for others to have life cause we would give ours away to reach for theirs. I pray Kabi… I pray for you, I pray for me.
Your only 💗.
The Cheerful One.